- An oxymoronical feeling
- February 15th, 2010
School, work and friends are going to be the death of me. I want to escape and be alone---yet when I am, I crave their presence. I have an irrational fear of being alone, when I am, I tend to reflect, and that never turns out well. I've realized several things about myself, above all, I'm too generous. Yes, too generous. I tend to give and give, yet receive little in return. It's something that I am going to change about myself.
Moreover when I am around them, they deem it necessary to make fat jokes at my expense. There is no need. I know this. Every time I take a bite out of a chip, and you look at me, I am reminded of the fact that I am 80-100 pounds over weight. I'm reminded of this so much that I've developed an eating disorder. I still eat normally, however, I am not able to keep it down. Instead, I excuse myself to the bathroom and involuntarily spew a meal plan's worth of food into the porcelain bowl, all in the name of thinness.
I've also decided to start trimming my circle of friends---it's a necessary thing, which reminds me of a quote from one of my favorite plays:
"If somebody wants to walk out of your life, let - them - go!
Some people are meant to come into your life for a lifetime, some for only a season and you got to know which is which. And you're always messing up when you mix those seasonal people up with lifetime expectations. I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are like leaves on a tree. When the wind blows, they're over there... wind blow that way they over here... they're unstable. When the seasons change they wither and die, they're gone. That's alright. Most people are like that, they're not there to do anything but take from the tree and give shade every now and then. That's all they can do. But don't get mad at people like that, that's who they are. That's all they were put on this earth to be. A leaf. Some people are like a branch on that tree. You have to be careful with those branches too, cause they'll fool you. They'll make you think they're a good friend and they're real strong but the minute you step out there on them, they'll break and leave you high and dry. But if you find 2 or 3 people in your life that's like the roots at the bottom of that tree you are blessed. Those are the kind of people that aren't going nowhere. They aren't worried about being seen, nobody has to know that they know you, they don't have to know what they're doing for you but if those roots weren't there, that tree couldn't live. A tree could have a hundred million branches but it only takes a few roots down at the bottom to make sure that tree gets everything it needs. When you get some roots, hold on to them but the rest of it... just let it go. Let folks go."
-Tyler Perry's Madea goes to Jail